How To Produce a Record

John Macy · From: Rockport TX/Denver CO

I just got this in am email from one of my favorite Nashville session players...

How To Produce a Record…..... First, run an ad in ROWFAX. Then, have a Belmont intern screen about 1000 tapes and CDs. Next, have creative meetings. Hold at least a hundred songs for a few months, and then cull it to fifteen or twenty. As you go, trim it down to eleven or twelve, but don't make any promises, because a couple of these songs will probably get bounced by songs that you write, a song that your ex-girlfriend wrote about your relationship, or songs your friends bring in at the last minute.

Spend about a month on pre-production, making sure that everything is completely planned out, so that no spontaneity is necessary, or possible, in the studio. Since there are probably no "first singles" there, write one with the five or six "connected", outside, hit-songwriters. If that fails, always cover an old hit. Line up extra studio musicians to overdub esoteric instruments, so that it will be a slick record, and sound exactly like everything else out there.

Next, book the most expensive studio you can find, so that everyone but the musicians and the artist get paid lots of money. The more expensive, the more the record label will take the project seriously, which is very important. Book lots and lots of studio time. You'll need at least forty-eight tracks to accommodate all the room mics you'll set up for the drums, all of which will be buried by other instruments later, anyway, and for the added keyboard tracks, even if the artist's band never had a keyboard player. And, you'll need lots of tracks for the BGVs, even if the artist's band only has one singer. Then, record all the instruments one at a time, but make the drummer play to a click track for every song, so the music never has a chance to breathe whatsoever. That way, you can use lots of MIDI gear. Do multiple takes of each song. Use up at least thirty reels of two-inch tape. Take the best parts of each take and splice them all together. You might even use a hard-disc recording system like ProTools or RADAR, then transfer it all back to analog two-inch. Spend at least two weeks just compiling drum tracks like this. you'll need to try at least a half-dozen snare drums and crash cymbals. If you really do it right, the entire band will never have to do a good take. Now, start overdubbing each instrument, one at a time. Make sure that everything is perfect. If necessary, do things over and over until absolute perfection is achieved. Do a hundred takes if you must. This is, of course, done with the "guest" musicians. Don't forget to hire someone who is good with samples and loops to get a little bluegrass/hip-hop feel. Better get some turntable scratching under the mandolin track, too. Be sure to spend days and days just experimenting with overdub sounds, different amplifiers, guitars, mics, speakers, and basically trying every possible option you can think of to use up all that studio time you've booked. No matter how much time you book, you can easily use it up this way. Everyone involved will think they're working very hard. Make sure you rent lots of expensive outboard gear. mics, expensive compressors and high-end preamps so you can convince yourself and everyone else how good it's sounding. Charge it back to the artist's recording budget, of course. Make sure that you have at least two or three compressors IN SERIES on everything you're recording. Any equipment with tubes in it is a sure bet. the older the better. The best is early-1970's-era Neve equipment, old Ampex analog recorders, and WW-2 vintage tube microphones, since everyone knows that the technology of recording has continuously declined for the past thirty + years. Don't forget to get some old "ribbon" mics, too. Spend several days on the lead vocal tracks, then put the compilation track into ProTools and pitch correct it. even if it ruins the singer's style and inflections. radio wants perfect vocals, and as long as we have this equipment, we MUST use it. (Sorry, Willie Nelson) Make sure that, by the time it's finished, everyone is absolutely, totally sick of all the songs and never want to hear any of them again.

Uh oh. guess what. ??? Now, it's time to MIX IT!!! Better get someone with "fresh ears", who has never heard any of it before, to mix it in a $4,000.00 per day room with full automation. Make sure he is pretty famous, and of course, you have to fly to LA, someplace else, to do this, because there simply are no decent remix studios anywhere else. Make sure he compresses the hell out of everything as he mixes it. Compress each drum individually and then compress an overall stereo submix of them. Make sure to compress all the electric guitars, even though a distorting guitar amp is the most extreme "compressor" in existence. Compress everything else, too, and then compress the overall mix. Then, take the reverb off and add stereo chorus to give it a stereo feel. Spare no expense. Spend at least two weeks on it. Then take it back to Nashville and pay someone else to remix the whole thing on ProTools. Then, get some New York coke-head mastering engineer to master it, and make sure he compresses the hell out of everything again and takes away all the low end and makes it super bright and crispy and harsh so it'll sound really LOUD on the radio. (Too bad about all those people with expensive home stereo setups)

OH NO!!! Your A&R guy just got fired!!! Guess what. it looks like this record will never be released. Oh well... Let's get started on to the next project.

Kevin Hatton · From: Buffalo, N.Y.

John, that was brilliant.

Bob Hoffnar · From: Austin, Tx

Peter Siegel · From: Belmont, CA, USA

Q: How many producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know man, what do YOU think?

Gordon Borland · From: San Antonio, Texas, USA

This is exciting! Now all the secrets reviled! Now my home studio together with these secrets can really produce a hit!
It probably was not true that Patsy Cline
did Crazy in one take anyway with all pickers
picken at the same time.

Ron Page · From: Penn Yan, NY USA

This caught me at a good time. I was just commenting my somewhat disinterested wife about the producing on Merle Haggard's early live albums.

Who, besides Ken Nelson would have considered leaving Bonnie's rendition of Philadelphia Lawyer on the album when she forgot the lyrics and talked the audience through part of the song? Brilliant! It really gives the alum a feeling of a group in touch with their audience. I'm sure some would consider it unprofessional, but that's pompus BS, IMHO.

I never give the producing side much thought, but I did that one. These days that part would have never made the album, despite the fact that it was recorded live in Philly.

------------------
HagFan

chas smith R.I.P. · From: Encino, CA, USA

I have a friend who cuts sound in the tv biz, his brother-in-law also cuts sound and has been around for a long time. His brother just got fired off a show because the producers needed to cut the budget. The composer "can cut his own sound". So he not only has to write it, on a tv schedule, but he has to cut it and all for the same fee. That show has 14 producers.

Gene Jones · From: Oklahoma City, OK USA, (deceased)

......."Then, have a Belmont intern screen about 1000 tapes and CDs".......

John that was absolutely great....I just forwarded a copy of it to my granddaughter who is one of those interns at Belmont...she will appreciate the humor!

www.genejones.com

Chris Bauer · From: Nashville, TN USA

It would be ever funnier if it didn't reflect the recent cut-backs in production costs from the industry 'downturn'!

Donny Hinson · From: Glen Burnie, Md. U.S.A.

John...didn't you forget the part about having 23 different musicians lay down 171 tracks...only to mix it down so much that only about 6 musicians and a dozen tracks are really noticed? All the rest were required to give it..."that sound".

"Yeah, the guy only plays 3 notes in the whole song. But man...it really adds something to sound...don't you think?"

Yup, 3 notes.

Dave Van Allen · From: Souderton, PA , US , Earth

and Donny- if those three notes are on a steel guitar, they are the first three to be removed for a "crossover" remix....

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