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Topic: Jazz? |
Ken Lang
From:
Simi Valley, Ca
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Posted 19 Mar 2004 6:39 pm |
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HOW JAZZ WORKS
List of Characters:
Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.
Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Viola! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you _ and the rest of the audience _ by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn. |
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Cal Sharp
From:
the farm in Kornfield Kounty, TN
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 12:15 am
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Kewl.
Another point about jazz is that the players get applause at the end of their solos, while the next soloist waits patiently to begin. In country, however, the soloist gets applause (at the instigation of the singer/star) _during_ his solo, thus negating the auditory impact of his effort and making him feel obligated to smile or somehow otherwise be entertaining, since he knows nobody can actually hear what he's playing. None of this turning your back on the audience, ala Miles.
Country Musicians:
Singers - Egotistical, waiting for a (better) record deal. Think all the chicks are in love with them, especially when they stand with one foot on the microphone stand.
Bass players - Wannabe singers. Got the gig only because they can sing and BS with the crowd.
Guitar players - Think they run the band. Don't know why steel players try to sneak in licks and solos every once in a while when everybody knows the guitar player is the main focus of the band.
Steel players - insecure, introverted, hypercritical, easily offended and quasi-intellectual. Know more about country music than anyone else in the band and can play most of the famous record licks from the last 40 years. Can usually play bass better than the bass holder.
Drummers - personable and outgoing, feel lucky to be here, since they suspect that they're not really musicians.
Bus Drivers - Make more money than anybody on the band.
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Bob Watson
From:
Champaign, Illinois, U.S.
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 1:44 am
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| Great Post!!!! Had me in stitches. Its always wrong to stereotype, but unfortunately there is more truth to those descriptions than most of us would like to admit. I remember a friend of mine who would play Jazz bass gigs ( of course he is a steel player ) describing Jazz Sax players as the guy who will take a twenty minute solo on a tune that is lightening fast, one that makes you work your butt off to play, then go to the bar and smoke cigarettes and talk to women during your solo. We all have our idiosyncrasies. |
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David L. Donald
From:
Koh Samui Island, Thailand
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 2:37 am
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Bass players rarely GET to solo because they are always last on the list,
and the singer often cuts them off just as they start, because they can't just walk up in front of them and cut the singer off 1st.
I remember a gig in New York, A Night In Tunisia, with 3 saxs, 2 trumpets, 2 bones, guitar, piano, drums and me on someone elses upright bass.
40 minutes after the head I got a solo.... and then the drummer... (Ah a rest)
Same chord changes 40 minutes, then the drummer and the head....
But one sax player started trading 4's in the vamp after the head pointing to every one but me,
for another 10 minutes : totally time 53 minutes... one solo.
Basic sax attitude : we play more notes in the same amount of time, so we do it more often because we have more to say.
Too many musicians treat the bass players like the're not smart, tis true.
But when we're not there supporting the soloists egos,
they just get torqued up.
Partly because bassist are the only ones bothering to actually play the root of the chords.
No matter how good the bass player is on other instruments, when he picks up another and the bass drops out the band falls apart.
And no one else can play it well enough to swap off.
Drummers are a musicans best friend. Always hanging around,
Sometimes they are actually musicians too, but not on this gig.
Saxes are god's gift to all other musicians, except singers.
Singers are from Planete Janet and are usually god's gift to themselves.
Pianos usually have the answer to any musical question and are darn sure it's right,
and the only possible choice.
Unless they see 5 variations and insist on trying them all.
They also will play nothing when the bass player wants it, and play harmonically stretched voicings,
so far out only sax players like them, behind the singer.
Who then starts drinking.
Guitars and saxes always hog the show.
Guitars also will play "counter melodies" over anyone elses solos, thus sowing musical confusion for the bass player.
Trumpets will play high notes on top of most of other peoples solos. Usually very close to the mic. They also think they are piano players.
Somthing about that funny lip embuschure makes women happy 
And you forgot, but can't forgive JAZZ ARRANGERS...
Their job, similar to piano players, is to write parts no one can understand and often not play, because it's "hip".
Vibrphonists, take up a huge space and are similar to piano players, but they are so visual jumping around, they intimidate the guitarists who then turn up again.
Jazz bands don't rehearse and aren't afraid to have total strangers arrive to cover someones seat without notice.
Unless there is a Jazz Arranger, then they will pracitice till they drop before a gig, and then have strangers, who have no time to rehearse, come in for the gig and sight read the charts cold and perfectly.
Jazz bands will introduce songs they have never played at gigs, play them and the audeince has no clue they didn't know the song.
Because they played it so "out" anyway no one could tell.[This message was edited by David L. Donald on 20 March 2004 at 02:55 AM.] |
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JB Arnold
From:
Longmont,Co,USA (deceased)
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David L. Donald
From:
Koh Samui Island, Thailand
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 7:52 am
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| JB with some players it would have to be SONAR [This message was edited by David L. Donald on 20 March 2004 at 09:31 AM.] |
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Bill Hatcher
From:
Atlanta Ga. USA
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 9:12 am
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| This funny treatise was written by my friend Bill Anschell. If you do a google search for him you will come to his website. Log on the the section with his writings and you will find this under the Jazz Jam primer. |
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Bob Watson
From:
Champaign, Illinois, U.S.
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 1:12 pm
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| David, don't hold back, tell us how you really feel... LOL. Thanks for sharing the "Night in Tunisian Hell" story with us. It sounds like the ultimate Bass players nightmare! |
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Cal Sharp
From:
the farm in Kornfield Kounty, TN
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 1:29 pm
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| Yeah, that sounds like the old days in Nashville at Deemen's Den when 3 or 4 steel players would set up on the dance floor and play "C Jam Blues" or "Billie's Bounce" for an hour until the bass player was nearly dead. [This message was edited by Cal Sharp on 20 March 2004 at 01:30 PM.] |
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Gene Jones
From:
Oklahoma City, OK USA, (deceased)
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Posted 20 Mar 2004 4:22 pm
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Great post Ken! 
I have forwarded it to my grand-daughter who is a student at Nashville's Belmont College.
www.genejones.com |
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Rick McDuffie
From:
Benson, North Carolina, USA
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Posted 21 Mar 2004 12:09 pm
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Did you hear about the symphony bass player who was so out of tune that even his section noticed?
How many sax players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, because the whole world revolves around him.
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homeless.
Sorry, I don't know any guitarist jokes. |
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Bob Watson
From:
Champaign, Illinois, U.S.
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Posted 21 Mar 2004 1:17 pm
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Rick, here's your guitar joke. Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them, one to do it and there rest of them to say "I could have done that". |
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David L. Donald
From:
Koh Samui Island, Thailand
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Posted 22 Mar 2004 3:48 pm
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Why did the trombone player cross the road...
He had a gig!!!
yippie... watch the traffic!!!
What is perfect pitch in a jazz band...
Getting a piccolo in the toilet on the 1st throw. |
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Dustin Rigsby
From:
Parts Unknown, Ohio
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Posted 23 Mar 2004 4:45 am
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Sounds like a Blues Jam to me . Four Guitarists,two saxes,one Trumpet, one bass,one drummer. Total # of songs = 4. Total time of set = 1 hour. Place= Every Monday night at the Dolphin Lounge in Gahanna,Ohio
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D.S. Rigsby
Carter Starter and various six string toys |
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Dustin Rigsby
From:
Parts Unknown, Ohio
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Posted 23 Mar 2004 4:48 am
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Bob Watson,
That's not a joke,it's the TRUTH 
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D.S. Rigsby
Carter Starter and various six string toys[This message was edited by Dustin Rigsby on 23 March 2004 at 04:50 AM.] |
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David L. Donald
From:
Koh Samui Island, Thailand
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Posted 23 Mar 2004 5:06 am
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| Quote: |
| Sounds like a Blues Jam to me |
Yes, except you must rememeber 9 other chords to play it.
And if you don't play well they don't give you another solo.
I WISH that happened at blues jams.... [This message was edited by David L. Donald on 24 March 2004 at 02:04 PM.] |
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David Rothon
From:
London, England
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Posted 23 Mar 2004 5:36 am
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Bass players... they're the link between the drummer and the musicians, aren't they?
(insert musician type of choice) ... why do they spend so long outside the front door? Because they can't find the key and don't know when to come in...
The old ones are the best! |
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Rick McDuffie
From:
Benson, North Carolina, USA
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Posted 23 Mar 2004 8:27 am
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There's always Stormy Monday- with a major 7th... wow!
Rick[This message was edited by Rick McDuffie on 23 March 2004 at 08:30 AM.] |
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Dustin Rigsby
From:
Parts Unknown, Ohio
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Posted 24 Mar 2004 2:44 am
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Rick...Alot of the blues I play,I usually play Maj 7 and 9 chords. That is the Chicago style. I am mostly ear trained, so I had to look up the chords I play at www.chordfind.com . I guess I need to learn more about Theory,it shure would help with the psg.
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D.S. Rigsby
Carter Starter and various six string toys |
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David L. Donald
From:
Koh Samui Island, Thailand
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Posted 24 Mar 2004 2:12 pm
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Yes bass players are the link between musicians and drummers.
Without the bass player all solists egos would be greatly squashed.
Play solo guitar,... don't do any solos.
add one bassplayer and do a solo every song.
At least someone is continually spelling out the chords. And ocasionally counter melodies.
Piano players use so many inversions, with root motion often implied, IN THEIR HEADS,
it IS sometimes difficult to figure what their roots are,
until they have gone through the form once.
It's better to wait and get the right one...
because the wrong one reeks havoc.
Ah, dang he finally resolved this baby, must be Bb tonight.
With a good bass player, the soloists egos can explode, run amuck,
and fly away like pollen in dustbowl Oklahoma.[This message was edited by David L. Donald on 24 March 2004 at 02:24 PM.] |
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Andy Greatrix
From:
Edmonton Alberta
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Posted 24 Mar 2004 8:33 pm
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Solo guitar, no solos?
Remember Lennie Breau?
He played Bass, chords,
and soloed at the same time.
Brilliantly. |
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Leon Grizzard
From:
Austin, Texas, USA
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Posted 26 Mar 2004 12:31 pm
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While I decry the stereotyping of musicians and drummers, I noted an ad in this week's musicians referrals in the Austin Chronicle that starts:
TRUMPET 30+ yr pro looking to find a band to scream with.[This message was edited by Leon Grizzard on 26 March 2004 at 05:13 PM.] |
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