Funny Stage Quotes

Jack Francis · From: Queen Creek, Arizona, USA

After a song that gets little response I have been known to say..

"Thank you for that rousing round of indifference"....

Start off a song with "Well, here's another song keeping us here in this area"

"OOPS look at the time...The guys have to get me back to the HOME".

"Merle Haggard once said.."There ain't nothin' better than a blues song...Well, old Merle never heard me do this."

"Stop me if you've heard this".

"The Eagles couldn't be here tonight so we're gonna do this..."

Any other quotes you guys use?? Laughing

Barry Blackwood · Posted 7 Aug 2008 10:22 am

Drummer to chick singer: "Do you want me to kick this off a little too fast, or a little too slow?" Shocked

Gabriel Stutz · From: Chicago, USA

One of my favorites for an indifferent crowd is: "That's right, ladies and gentlemen, music." - pause - "Oh, well, let me explain...."

GPS

David Evans · From: North Carolina, USA

I HEARD CONNIE SMITHS BASS PLAYER INTRODUCE A SONG SAYING"HERE IS ONE YOUR FAVORITES, HOPE IT'S ONE OF OURS TO"

Dale Hansen · From: Hendersonville,Tennessee, (USA)

A bass player I worked with in Albuquerque a few years ago used to pull a out few of those.

My personal favorite was whenever we'd gotten through about half of the first set, and the dance floor was still empty.

With a stereotypical square dance callers tone, he'd holler out; "Everybody chaaaaaange partnerrrrrrrrs!"

That always got the crowds attention. Alot of em' would turn around and just give us a blank stare, as if we all just crawled out of a manhole.

Then, we'd laugh our butts off.

Michael Stover · From: Kansas City

This past weekend after I blew a hideous clam (on bass) at the end of a song, the band leader announced "We'll take a short break while the bass player tries to find the 'one'." Then in classic vaudevillian fashion, I looked all around me, checked under tables...

[Gales of laughter from the bandstand, confused stares from the audience]

Gordy Hall · From: Fairfax, CA.

My friend Gar always finishes a gig with 'Fooled 'em again!'...usually as they are getting a rousing round of applause.

i also have always liked Dan Hick's famous quote:

You probably think it's easy, being up here playing and singing. It's not. It's not easy. Thank you'.

Billy Murdoch · From: Glasgow, Scotland, U.K.

Frontman to audience.

"Is this Your first time as an audience"?

Chris Schlotzhauer · From: Colleyville, Tx. USA

Ladles and jellybeans

Rick Barnhart · From: Arizona, USA

"We have a special request, but we're gonna keep playing anyway."
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Clinesmith consoles D-8/6 5 pedal, D-8 3 pedal & A25 Frypan, Pettingill Teardrop, & P8 Deluxe.

Billy Murdoch · From: Glasgow, Scotland, U.K.

We've had two requests.
can't do the first one...the guitar will not fit
Can't do the second ...We're pid to play till midnight.

Danny Bates · From: Fresno, CA. USA

After a small amount of applause you could say...."A nice round of applause is like a great meal to a band.... so we'd like to thank you all for that light snack!

Some other favorites...
Right now we're gonna play our "good one"

"We suffered for our music... so now it's your turn to suffer"

Billy Murdoch · From: Glasgow, Scotland, U.K.

John Steele · From: Renfrew, Ontario, Canada

One time there was but one lone person in the audience who clapped, so the bandleader said:
"Thank you for your applau. "

"This gig marks our meteoric rise from relative obscurity to international insignificance".

I like Roger Miller's "Here a little song I wrote while I was singing that last one...."

Or my friend Mick's "The band's really happy tonight, 'cause today we signed a deal with Columbia Records. We sent them $14.99, and they're going to send us one CD a month for the next 6 months."

-John

David Doggett · Posted 7 Aug 2008 1:20 pm

Now this is humor we can use. Keep 'em comin'. Very Happy

Michael Johnstone · From: Sylmar,Ca. USA

"Thank you Ladies and Vegetables..........

"No,we don't know that song but we know another one with some of the same notes in it..."

When introducing the band members: "Give it up for ------ on bass! He's single - He's a Scorpio! Now let's hear it for ------- on drums! He's single - he's a Scorpio! On lead guitar, -------- he's from ------- Ladies,he's single! - and he's a Scorpio! From Nashville,Tennessee - on pedal steel guitar,Mr.-------- listen up girls,he's single - and you guessed it - he's a Scorpio!(and so on) This works best when delivered in the style of an Elvis impersonator while the band is vamping over some tired lame-ass break song and each guy steps out and overplays a couple bars when his name is mentioned.

Mike Archer · From: church hill tn

heres mine

this part of the show is brought to you
by hardys shoe company
women love a man with a hardy on!!

also good evening ladys and jerms

also this ant one of our favorites

hope its one of urines

Danny Bates · From: Fresno, CA. USA

Hows this for an intro for somebody coming up to sing a song with the band... (ask for a drum roll)

Now say these lines loud...

You have seen the great stage presence of Elvis Presley...
You have heard the great singing of Frank Sinatra...
You have witnessed the great dancing of Michael Jackson....

So be prepared to lower your standards for... (insert singer's name)[drummer crashes here]

Danny Bates · From: Fresno, CA. USA

When somebody applaudes and it gets real quiet... you say in your best Elvis voice...

I'd like to thank my momma, Gladys...
I'd like to thank my daddy, Vernon...
But most of all, I'd like to thank The Colonel... for makin that great chicken!

Randal Smith · From: Nashville, TN, USA

This portion of our show is brought to you by Martha White Self-Rising Flour. One ten pound bag makes one helluva biscuit!

We're the Ben Gay band. I'm Ben and these guys are gay!

We had a request for some Metallica. Here's a song Metallica's planning to put on their next album. (Kick off some slow country ballad at this point.)

Don't forget to tip the band. You can overtip 'em, just don't tip 'em over!

Speaking of Willie Nelson, here's a Merle Haggard song for you.

If you're driving, please make sure you've got your car. And if you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

(When an audience member yells out the name of an artist, for example, "George Jones!" reply:) He's not here!

We had a request for the guitar player to turn down. That oughta be easy for him, cause he's been turned down a lot lately!

If you have a really good friend who has a birthday, sing: Your gettin' older, your gonna die, do dah, do dah!

(And at the end of the night:) Thanks for coming, and if we don't see you in the future, we'll see you in the pasture!
_________________
Randal Smith alias Smitty the Kid
Nashville, TN
Simmons SD10
Warmoth Custom Guitar
Gibson GA-20 Amp
"We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?"

Danny Letz · From: Old Glory,Texas, USA 79540

One couple stands in front of the bandstand waiting for the next song. The fiddle player says "Ya'll dance around a little so we can see what to play". Or " This next one is in C in case ya'll want to dance to it". It's been a real pressure to play for you tonight.

Lee Baucum · From: McAllen, Texas (Extreme South) The Final Frontier

Ladies and gentlemen, please tip your waitress. Cause everyone likes a waitress with big tips. (Rim Shot)

Jim Bob Sedgwick · From: Clinton, Missouri USA

At break.... We'll be back in a flash with some more of this trash!!

While loading up.... boy it takes a lot of equipment to sound like crap these days. We used to do it with a third this much stuff!!!

Rick Barnhart · From: Arizona, USA

If ya'll have any requests, just write it down on a twenty.
_________________
Clinesmith consoles D-8/6 5 pedal, D-8 3 pedal & A25 Frypan, Pettingill Teardrop, & P8 Deluxe.

C Dixon · From: Duluth, GA USA

This is not a song intro, but I heard this sometime in the early 40's

Ladies and Gentiles!

Crocodiles but not reptiles!

I stand before you to stand behind you!

To talk about something I know nothing about!!

There's no admission, but ya pay at the door!

There are plenty of seats but ya sit on the floor!

Next Tuesday which is good friday, there will be a

ladies meeting for men only!

There's plenty of food but your on a diet!

There is no offerin' plate, but I "wonts" ta say tha

followin!!!!

(after a number of sutble hints, repeated "guilt trips"....and "hellfar and brimestone" warnings at top decibel levels about "not givin' ALL yo got!"

No mam Mrz Futalizah! we ain't got change fer a quarter. (Remember this was in the early 40's)

Putt the WHOLE thang in the "pot".

(After the mock sermon was over and the congregation had gone)

"NOW Ahm gon' count it! HEH HEH HEH" Confused

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A broken heart + † = a new heart.

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